Time 2

Artist: Ewan Dobson

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Help Obama Kickstart World War 3

Our president can’t launch into another war without you. And remember: when we voted for him in 2008 and 2012, we promised to support him no matter what.

And America is dead-ass broke, so our goal is to raise $1.6 trillion on behalf of the U.S. government.

That’s where you come in.

Even a small donation will make all the difference.

World War III is a very important, very progressive war that Obama tells me is very important. So it must be.

World War III is not going to be like those other Republican wars fought on just 1 percent of the world; this war is going to be fought on 99 percent of the world.

It will be everywhere: Russia, China, Africa, Cincinnati, your favorite brunch spot — the one with those kickass ranchero breakfast burritos.

As an incentive, those pledging $25 a piece of rubble from a war-torn Middle Eastern country, kissed by Sen. Lindsey Graham, while $100 donations gets donors a day pass to leave their local refugee camp.

It’ll be all over Twitter, Facebook, Vine, Pinterest, and whatever eventually replaces Pinterest, and I mean, just think of all the hilarious skits we can make of cats reacting to their owners’ homes being obliterated,” the video says. Lots of shock, but tons of awww.

Ten dollars gets one a “shout out” on social media. In fact, the video promises that World War III will be the most social media-focused war in history.

So please, help us reach our goal of $1.6 trillion so we can make World War III a reality. Why? Because Obama.

Let’s make World War 3 a reality!

By The Second City Network

Isis’s Letter To The West

Greetings to the West, we want to talk to you about a couple of things:

1. Clearly it is in bout our interests that you in the West keep this terrorism factory chugging along.

2.  You get to further restrict your citizens rights, especially the few journalists not adhering to the government line. I think we can all agree the truth is unhelpful  at this point.

3.  You can strut around and also massively increase military and intelligence spending. Eventually we get our hands on those weapons, so that’s a win/win.

4. You whip up fear and get a bounce in the polls and your pliant media gives us free publicity! Seriously, you make us sound like a military super tough-guy powerhouse rather than an accidentally well armed horde of thugs and butchers. Win/win again.

Oh and thanks for the whole “death cult” thing. The PR guys were stoked.

5. Honestly, your media are awesome, Saudi Arabia beheads someone for sorcery, I mean that’s cold, but no one bats an eyelid. We do it and everyone loses their shit!

6. And seriously, do what you like with Metadata, it’s not our problem. We use VPNs and TOR – You may have heard of them. They have them on the internet now.

7. Finally, if you could terrify, vilify, bully and isolate the Muslims in your various communities, that will go a long way to help get some potential recruits over the line.

Yours sincerely,
Daesh.
I mean,
IS

Transcribed by: CZ
Via: The Guardian